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3/19/2007 I shave once a week -- whether I need to or not, as my oldest brother like to say. I cut myself shaving last week. Serves me right. That's what I get for shaving twice in one week. • All of my hair is on the top of my head. You would have thought that a little could have migrated south about 10 inches to give me decent sideburns. Or even a little mustache. Or an artiste goatee. • When I was young, the big mutton chops sideburns were in style. You know, the kind that Elvis had with his rhinestone jump suit and matching cape. Apparently, Elvis paired up mutton chops with karate chops. Why did they call them mutton chops? Maybe pork chop sideburns sounded dumb, and having mutton chops on your face made you so much cooler. Those guys with the pork chops were geeks. R i g h t ... I digress. In the '70s, I couldn't grow sideburns. No mutton chops. No pork chops. Not even lamb chops. In fact, hard as I tried, no chops were coming my way. I couldn't grow sideburns, so I faked it by letting my hair grow long in front of my ears, which I then plastered to the side of my head with water. It looked as dumb as it sounds. I think it only worked for Mr. Spock. Eventually, sideburns went out of style, so I was off the hook. Just like bell bottoms, sideburns are back in style (or maybe out of style by the time you read this). I still can't grow them. However, I still have a head full of thick hair, and I'll take that over sideburns any day. • I once grew a beard. No one said a thing. Not one thing. After a couple of weeks, I shaved it off. Still, not a single word. That was the last time I tried to grow a beard. • It really hurts when someone pulls you by your sideburns. Even your fake sideburns. • I can make a razor blade last about three months. It takes me several years to use up a 10 pack. Actually less, because after a while, I can't tell new from old. They both get so dusty that I usually end up throwing them out and buying a new package of blades. • For a while I was using an electric razor. I didn't notice that it developed a hole in the screen. Apparently, the screen serves a real purpose: to protect your face from those super sharp blades that are vibrating hundreds of times a second. It gave me several nice cuts. And yes, it hurt! • When my brother and I were young, there were two brothers who lived next door -- Barry and Joe. They were roughly the same age as Tim and me. We did a lot together. One day, Joe got hit just above the eyebrow with a hockey stick. He started to bleed. Barry told him, "Leave it alone. It make you look bad." Joe said, "I don't feel very bad right now," holding his eye as he headed into the house. In the 1970s, "bad" was a hip word. It was a tougher version of cool. Like "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown." I bet "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" had sideburns. |