My friend, Samantha Bennett, has been trying her hand at stand-up comedy. As Arnold Schwarzenegger said near the end of "Terminator 2," I understand why she does it, but it's something I can never do.

I sling a lot of HTML code at work. I briefly considered putting together a comedy routine based on HTML. As it turns out, HTML isn't as funny as you might think. Javascript, maybe, but there is just no humor in HTML.

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When I was very young -- I was going to say pre-adolescent until I realized that for me, pre-adolescence lasted to age 23. Anyway, when I was very young, I actually had a good sense of humor and no fear of making a fool out of myself.

Comedy was a possibility early in life. I remember entertaining my fourth-grade sweetheart, Nancy Hasegawa, with my uneven arm trick. My last memory of her was in 1969 in downtown Sunland, California, after getting a haircut. I meekly waved. She waved back. It was pre-Internet, pre-e-mail and for me, pre-telephone. In those days, moving away often was a death sentence for most relationships and friendships -- especially when you're 9 years old. You just lost touch with people.

We moved to Pittsburgh that summer, and I spent the next eight years in social hiding and the next 25 years recovering from that experience.

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Life takes many odd twists and turns, and more than 25 years after leaving Pittsburgh the first time, I found myself back in what has been at various times called the Steel City, City of Champions and more recently, "The 'Burgh" -- a crude name that I despise.

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The thing that Pittsburghers most like about Pittsburgh is how little it changes. Case in point: I accompanied my workmate Samantha to Steel Valley Career Day. I invited myself because Steel Valley is my alma mater (Class of 1977).

Munhall has changed very little. There was Dell's Dairy Delite getting ready to open on Memorial Day for another season. The cemetery looked the same, although the borough has added a guard rail, most assuredly to prevent the 1,000th car from plowing through the fence at the bend in the road that bisects the cemetery.

The kids and their names are pretty much the same. There are a few new ones, but for the most part, it's the same names that belonged to my classmates. I was afraid to find out if they were grandchildren of my classmates.

I think the borough continues to patch the same potholes each spring, which then reappear the following spring.

There were too many Steel Valley kids wearing black T-shirts. Things change slowly in Pittsburgh, and the fashion curve in some of the older steel towns moves even slower. I think they've made it to the late 1980s.

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When giving directions in Pittsburgh, it's always necessary to mention a crucial left or right turn at business that no longer exists. "Turn right where Haver's Pharmacy used to be." That's fine for people who have lived here long enough to know that Haver's was at 17th and McClure, but not so good for those who don't remember that Haver's went out of business in the 1970s. That makes you a real Pittsburgher -- to be able to give directions entirely based on landmarks that exist only in people's minds ... and on the other side, to be able to understand them.

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I had something funny to end this, but I've forgotten it. That's worse than flubbing the punchline.

 
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